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Notable Qualities
I think that in leu of bio sections on dating site profiles , people should post screenshots of the notes section in their phones. Those tell a LOT more about a person than “I like dogs, working out with muh boys and occasionally enjoying a glass of wine”. Instead, if we could peruse their notes,… Continue reading
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Unexpected Grief
My heart aches and my mind is as bleary as my red and puffy eyes. I generally pride myself in finding the very best words to utilize in poignant expressions of my thoughts. Today’s writing will most likely fall short of beautiful, but I NEED to write it out. Have to somehow, maybe, find a… Continue reading
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Remembering Little Good Parts
Once in a while (typically when I am elbow deep in a sink of dirty dishes) my mind will wander off to reminiscence about past relationships. There are so many reasons they didn’t last, and I am thankful they didn’t. Sometimes, though, my bored brain will go on a little jaunt away from those terrible… Continue reading
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Livin’ On A Prayer – Only Halfway There
My mom had an old friend who struggled with depression. As a very young girl, I didn’t understand what that was – all I knew was that this sad lady would call every few years and my mom would talk to her for at least an hour. I never even heard my mom’s end of… Continue reading
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Life Doesn’t Go On
When we are compelled to bid farewell to a loved one, we understand that we, with varying intensities, will feel pain over that loss. We speak of closure, of grief in stages. To the hurting soul, we give tender hugs and promises that time will bring with it a salve for their aching heart. For… Continue reading
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Why We Don’t Run From Abuse
I often ponder over stories I hear of abuse victims fleeing overnight, and I wonder if they are helpful or harmful to those who are still trapped. We hear of a “success” in finding freedom and are ready to applaud the brave soul who escaped. In truth, I think that we should instead approach these… Continue reading
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What If Samson Cut His Own Hair
Today I got tired of being strong. I got tired of being a support beam for those who I love. I’ve been the frame that people lean on, tell their secrets and struggles to, and ask to play diplomatic negotiater between. Meanwhile, termites of chronic illness eat away at the parts of me that can’t… Continue reading
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6 P.M.
6pmI’m alone againIt’s 6pm and the world is bleak againIt’s 6pm and like clockwork, a silent thunderstorm settles on my weary shouldersI can’t breatheMemories flash to remind me of lost love and forgotten friendshipsThey strike like lightning through my stormThe darkness hides my happiness and rationaleI don’t remember that I love and am lovedIt’s 6pm… Continue reading
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My Suicide Story
Suicide. We often stiffen uncomfortably at the sight of the word. We’re afraid to speak it aloud, much less discuss with honesty, how frequently fleeting thoughts of self destruction have touched our minds. It is indeed a dark, lonesome path from that first whisper of an idea, to the conscious creation of a plan to… Continue reading
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I Forgot To Bring A Glass Of Water With Me To Bed: A Thought Thread
I’m thirsty.Guess I need to go get a water.Nah, I’ll be fine.Maybe this chapstick will help.My lips feel like crisco spread over tissue paper. I’m thirsty. I should just go get water.I’m gonna use this mouth spray instead.I’m thirstyThat spray doesn’t last long enough.I have gum in my nightstand tray.I’ll use that.It could fall out… Continue reading
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Growing Pains
As I sit by my little girl, rubbing her precious tiny feet to help her drift into Dreamland, I’m reminded of a similar time with my own mother. She would spend hours, often late into the night, massaging my legs until my growing pains subsided and I could sleep. It’s one of the fondest memories… Continue reading
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We Cannot Bury the Guilt
How can one specific body movement or sensation bring with it an instant torrent of guilt? The freedom fight from former abuse is not done once we run. It’s not finished when the physical access to our bodies stops. For those of us who were taught day in and day out that we were responsible… Continue reading
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Control
My story does have a happy ending, but my journey here was a turbulent one. Occasionally, a random thought will blow my memory calendar open to a date long past. I reflect upon those moments, reaching for understanding. Here and there, I am able to grasp hold of a little clarity into why my younger… Continue reading
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A Note On Thanks
I am intrigued by the relation between words and their definitions. In an attempt to clearly communicate my most current soapbox speel, I’m going to walk through a few definitions, and then meander about and hopefully collect a couple of concise connections. Thank you: Webster defines “thank you” as “a polite expression of one’s gratitude”.… Continue reading
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And the Greatest of These is Love
My memories are so fragmented, but as I continue to write, maybe I can make sense of… something.We were considered to be a fairly large family. Most folks seemed to think seven kids made for a massive family, anyway. I never thought we were of any extra volume, people-wise. Our church was filled with so… Continue reading
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To Surrender A Dream
It’s time that I let you go. With every shard of my being, every fragment of my grieving soul, I want to carry you here. I want to hold you, to hear you, to touch you, to watch you become and grow. But what I desire is irrelevant. This broken vessel I reside in is… Continue reading
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Domestic David & Goliath
I was their protector. Their warrior. Others speak of me as being a warrior against my illness, and not to belittle those battles because they are beautiful in their own way, but those will never compare to the war I fought as a child. I felt like David in stories of old – just a… Continue reading
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I Prayed for Patience
I grew up in a fairly large family – the little mama sibling who cared for the emotions of a quiver full of younger babies. Someone had to, while our mother was occupied with shooting out the next of us, like a clown car under pressure. Spurred by a love of being surrounded by chaotic… Continue reading
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Giving Up
We don’t give up with one abrupt decision. We don’t readily release those romantic schemes of adolescence. We give up after we slowly, slowly are coerced by seemingly smallish situations, where we must make choices that steer our planful dreams into darker waters, riddled with existential crisis and moral grey areas. We are forced to… Continue reading
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Loss of Structural Integrity
I am trapped inside of myself. My own arrogant nature is not a product of skills I hold, but a projection of what mayhap have been, and my disappointment in others because of what I often see as wasted potential. I am a crumbling work of architecture. The realization that willpower can no longer keep… Continue reading
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I Am Sorry For Our Loss
I had an experience recently that exemplified the um, monsters (for lack of a better word) we as humans have so recently let ourselves become.I was, as I often am, sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room. Several other patients were there, and as folks awaiting medical attention often do, we began to chat. Honestly,… Continue reading
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Pain
Sometimes, there is just pain. Pain like tendrils of an ivy vine, it’s appendages creeping over and around each of my muscles. It grasps me in my sleep, waking me and placing my body in a sort of stasis, gripping my lungs. After awhile, I try to move my mouth and realize I’ve been clenching… Continue reading
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An Ibs story
Once, years ago, I was dealing with a particularly excruciating bout of ibs. My friend and I were on our way back from a day out, and I could feel I wasn’t going to make it home. I had the whole gurgly stomach with cramping, and hot smelly air had begun to escape from my… Continue reading
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Autoimmune Battle
His Mercies Are New Every Morning The most trying days are those that come after I’ve battled one symptom, and then another, until I’m treading treatments in order to continue the simplist of duties. When I’ve been tired too long. When I recall my lost beautiful talents and abilities, and can see so clearly and… Continue reading
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Awaking From Trauma
Trauma memories have a way of reappearing, regardless of suppression, regardless of therapy, regardless of what I thought were successful coping mechanisms. The dark, vivid mental recordings feel like thick and sticky tar, leaking their way in to suffocate and overtake my dreams. They morph them into different, equally dark stories, but not without clear… Continue reading
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Creating Peace From the Pieces 